A few days ago, I moved my son into a dorm at the University of Minnesota-Morris campus.  He's now 3 hours from Minneapolis and on his own. It was a difficult moment for this mom. For one thing, Dad was home sick, and I had to move him in myself.  Saying Goodbye until Thanksgiving resulted in a few tears. My son asked, "Are you OK to drive, Mom?"  I was. I was just so proud that we had raised such a fine young man.

He's so interesting to talk to-he's been quite a bit of company for his ol' mom and dad. He's our only child, so my husband and I are facing a transition as well. He will probably be home summers and vacations, but this is the beginning of empty nest. There's been a lot written about "helicopter" parents.  Are parents really hovering over their kids too much? Maybe. Maybe not.  Is it just the times?  The economy? What do kids need as we parents "launch" the young adult?

I asked a friend and colleague, Dr. Stephen Gavazzi from Ohio State, to give some advice to parents like me.  Here's what he said. (In italics)

Having witnessed my first-born son graduate from college this past spring,  and with the second of my remaining three sons safely ensconced in his first apartment as a college sophomore, I reckon that I know at least a couple of things about the "off to college" experience. And only rarely does my advice to parents deviate from one consistent theme: this is NOT the time to stop being involved with your son or daughter. However, this is PRECISELY the time to reverse the direction of responsibility for deciding what kind of involvement will be most helpful.

This change of direction is rather easy to describe, harder to put into action. Think of it this way. You have done exactly what was needed throughout the years - checking on schoolwork, monitoring extracurricular activities, dispensing unsolicited advice, etc. - to help your son or daughter work up to their academic potential. All done as part of being an active and involved parent, and largely based on what YOU thought was best for each given situation you faced. And look how successful you are... your son or daughter is now off to college!

Now, however, the best way for a parent to help their freshman son or daughter is start doing something entirely new, befitting the newly evolving relationship between a parent and a son or daughter transitioning into a more adult-like status. Namely, begin to ask your son or daughter what THEY WANT from you in order to be successful in college. Or said slightly differently, ask your college freshman how they think that you can best be a resource to them while they begin their life at the university. This will allow your son or daughter to begin to take responsibility for communicating exactly what it is that they do want (and think that they do not want) from you.

Of course, the quickest and easiest answer is that they want spending money! And believe me, that request doesn't necessarily stop when they graduate. So get used to it. But after you get past that, you will be surprised to hear what your son or daughter also wants from you, if you bother to listen. Often as not, they just want someone who will be there to listen about whatever is bothering them at the time without being judged. You won't know what they really want, however, until you ask... and remain in a listening and accepting mode when they start to answer your question.

Steve has been right on. Eric and I are new at this, but right off the bat, he confronted a choice he had to make. He called me and laid out the situation, and I told him, "This is your choice, Eric. Let me know what you want to do."  I've been getting updates by email every couple of days about books, registration changes, financial aid, and other "business." But I've also gotten a few descriptions of some hilarious but innocent antics that have happened with new friends.  It sounds like a stone riot!  And yes, I have been tapped for money. I don't know what could be more American than a college kid calling home for money, right?

His college has been helpful by placing a lot of this information on websites specifically addressed to parents.  Colleges and universities?  Do more of this. If I can go to your website and find deadlines, FAQs and information we need, I can do less helicoptering. The more information I can find this way, the less I have to pepper my son with questions about these deadlines and promissory notes.  It takes the nagging out of our conversations-written and spoken-and allows more time for the fun.

The most delightful part of parenting a young adult is seeing things develop in him that his dad and I never had! For example, he's a Biology major-with a huge interest in Herpetology. (Frogs).  His dad is a software engineer-I'm a family life educator. Neither of us has the slightest interest in frogs. Where did this come from?  I wish someone could have told me, when he was a newborn, that parenting a young adult would be my favorite stage of parenting yet.

This helicopter is ready to come in for a landing. In my last email to him I wrote, "These will be some of the best years of your life, Eric. Soar!"

Many thanks to Steve Gavazzi, his expertise and his experienced reassurance. What makes for a successful student? Check out Steve's video on YouTube about this very subject:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgQybhvBPoo