Observations in Medical Family Therapy
Recently I was sitting and working at a bakery café. It was packed, and out of the corner of my eye I noticed an older woman walking very slowly. Things like this always catch my eye because it makes me so sad to see someone with limited mobility. She was being helped along by an older man who I assume was her husband because they both had wedding rings on. He helped her so gently to the table, helped her sit down, leaned into her and (I assume) asked her what she would like. He went to order their food and came back with her coffee.
What was particularly different about this couple was the amount of touch he was giving her. When he set her coffee down, he gently put his hand on her back. He seemed so gentle and caring with her. It was very moving to me, especially as a medical family therapist. There is so much research claiming that men are not the caregivers that women are, but this man has shown me otherwise. At one point they kissed, she had her hand on his leg. The whole time they sat at the table his body was turned towards hers. He was very attentive and attuned to her. She seemed that she may have had some dementia or focusing difficulties because he had to get her attention a few times, but did so in a very gentle way by saying hello softly and calmly. When they got up to leave, he held her arm to help her out of the chair. The first attempt failed, and they laughed together as the second attempt worked. She walked with a cane, her arm entwined in his as they exited. It appeared to me that this man felt very fulfilled in his abilities to be caring and gentle with his wife.
I wondered; how did this man learned to be so caring and gentle? Did he have bumps along the way? Was it difficult to learn? Is it difficult to sustain this capability with his frail wife?
Have you ever seen or experienced something similar? What did it make you think about men and women? About relationships? About aging? NCFR members, please post a comment.
Copyright (c) 2012 Aimee Galick. This post initially appeared on the Equal Couples blog and is reprinted by permission. Aimee Galick is a doctoral student at Loma Linda University.
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Aimee here :) I have to say I think I was most impressed the age of the couple, as many older generation relationships (at least that I have seen) are very divided among gender lines when it comes to care giving. Even though it seems that younger couples are moving towards more equality in terms of caring for each other and the relationship, I find them to also be the most frustrating because many do not believe they are in relationships that are influenced about "old" ideas about men and women's roles. Awareness about inequality is being masked by the heavy emphasis on equality in our society, this not only applies to gender, but also to racial and class discrimination.
Hi Aimee,
I must say I am a little jaded by the burden I see women carry and continue to carry in ALOT (not all) but ALOT of relationships. The first thing that came to my mind as I read the article was: this lady is probably in the condition she is due to the caring burden she carried in her family and relationship through out the years. But on the other hand I has happy and relieved for her that her husband was grateful enough to provide her with care now that she really needs it.
Gen (LLU)
Hi Aimee, great observation. Your description of the couple is beautiful. Some of the questions that came to mind as I was reading your post were somewhat the same as yours ... "how did he learn to be so patient and gentle and were they always like this or is this something they picked up and embraced throughout their relationship" ... we still have quite a bit to learn about relationships, let alone relationships in elderly couples. This shows that we can learn a lot from couples like the one in the bakery cafe.