For instructors; a humorous parody to sing to Don McLean's "American Pie"

A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
how teaching used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
that students' knowledge I'd enhance
and, maybe, they'd know something for a while.

But fall semester made me shiver
with every paper they'd deliver.
Bad news in their emails.
I couldn't take one more tale.

I can't remember which excuse
was the one that finally blew my fuse,
but something inside just refused
to believe all their crazy lies.

And now they're saying,
"Why, why is my grade not so high?
Oh I never came to class but I still thought I'd get by.
What do you mean no extra credit,
and my tests made you cry?
If I don't pass this class then I'll die.
If I don't pass this class then I'll die."

I ask them did you write any class essays,
and on any quizzes, did you get A's
when you checked your grades on WebCT?
Did you believe you'd pass because
your best friend said an easy class this was?
I guess now the truth you're gonna see.

Well, I know that you haven't been in class
'cause your test answers made my TAs laugh.
You thought right answers you did choose;
but now instead you're singing the blues.

You've started saying,
"Why, why is my grade not so high?
Oh I never came to class but I still thought I'd get by.
What do you mean no extra credit,
and my tests made you cry?
If I don't pass this class then I'll die.
If I don't pass this class then I'll die."

Now this is the first time you've been on your own
and 40 parties you have thrown,
and that's not counting weekday nights.
Oh you sang karaoke with your friends,
and didn't do the reading yet again.
Your face in class has been a rare, rare sight.

And while the semester flew by with wings,
your grade kept downward spiraling.
The midterm grades returned;
but no lessons did you learn.
We read books that made you yawn,
so instead you played frisbee on the lawn
and thought of excuses you could don,
when the time for finals grew nigh.

But now you're singing,
"Why, why is my grade not so high?
Oh I never came to class but I still thought I'd get by.
What do you mean no extra credit
and my tests made you cry?
If I don't pass this class then I'll die.
If I don't pass this class then I'll die."

Now most of the semester has come and gone
and your grade is still a failing one.
You thought you still could get an A,
oh, but it's not turned out that way.

The students tried to come and say
that they were gone 'cause grandma passed away
and no, not the same one as the other day
or the one from a few weeks ago.

Then they started singing,
"Why, why is my grade not so high?
Oh I never came to class but I still thought I'd get by.
What do you mean no extra credit,
and my tests made you cry?
If I don't pass this class then I'll die.
If I don't pass this class then I'll die."

Oh, and there we were all in one place,
on final exam day not an empty space
but no time left to start your studying now.
So make up answers, write 'em quick,
because you can't make 6 months worth of class notes stick.
Your grade is sinking faster than the Dow.

I met a student who sang the blues
and I asked her for some happy news,
but she just smiled and turned away.
So I went to where my tests they'd score,
to where I'd seen some A's before,
but the man there said that there were none today.

And in the streets: the students screamed,
the students cried, and the students dreamed.
But not a word was spoken;
their spirits all were broken.
And all my grades I then did post:
of As and Bs there were the most,
but of the Fs there were a host
and I knew, there'd be emails that night.

And they'd be saying,
"Why, why is my grade not so high?|
Oh I never came to class but I still thought I'd get by.
What do you mean no extra credit,
and my tests made you cry?
If I don't pass this class then I'll die.
If I don't pass this class then I'll die."